


The Fear of Forgetting

by nickel710



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Depression, Dirk works there, F/F, Falling In Love, First Dates, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Jade owns a garden shop, M/M, dave is dead, he died a year ago though, nobody actually dies in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-05 21:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11021529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickel710/pseuds/nickel710
Summary: Dirk left everything behind ten months ago, desperate for a change after a family tragedy choked his life in Texas until it was unbearable. His job at Jade's Garden Emporium and Home Center helps, but otherwise he hasn't done much to shake off the past these last ten months. Jake English couldn't have had better timing for deciding to put in a garden this year.Chapter 1 is a lot of DirkJake fluff with a side helping of Strider manpain.Chapter 2 is a lot of Strider manpain (and Strilonde family feels) with a side helping of DirkJake fluff.Feel free to only read chapter 1 if you're just looking for some first date fluff! I think this whole thing falls into the category of "LET ME LIVE" but. SHRUG.





	1. Five Stars

Dirk Strider loved his job at Jade’s Garden Emporium and Home Imports. Unlike his hobbies and previous jobs, working here was physical, simple, and peaceful. Just what he had wanted when he had uprooted and left everything behind ten months ago.

Today he was unloading new pallets of petunia planters onto the sunny outdoor tables. He had just finished stocking the marigolds and paintbrushes, and next he'd take care of the moss roses.

Jade came by, hauling a flat metal loading pallet behind her that bore four young trees for a customer's garden.

“Oh, there you are,” she said, pausing to wipe a bead of sweat out of her eyes. “There’s a customer who needs help loading topsoil, could you take care of it? I need to get these trees over to Mrs. Faraday’s truck before she decides she doesn't want them.” Dirk smiled; Mrs. Faraday was notorious for changing her mind on big orders.

“Got it,” he assured Jade as he stood and brushed his hands on his forest green apron. Jade resumed her trudge to the loading zone in the parking lot, and Dirk headed to the back to help with the topsoil.

As he walked, he debated. Helping load bags of topsoil was his most frequent customer service task this time of year, and he and Jade had an ongoing game to see how accurately they could predict what kind of customer it would be.

The game worked thusly: before getting to the aisle, they had to commit to one of three types of customers: Mommy Jogger, Bake Sale Mom, or Granny. Correctly guessed customers resulted in +1 points and incorrectly guessed resulted in 0 points. The worker with the best average score at the end of the day bought the other’s coffee the next morning. Scoring was entirely on the honor system and so far, neither Dirk nor Jade seemed inclined to cheat and spoil the fun.

So far Dirk was doing very well today, with a score of 7 out of 10 customers. He was totally getting free coffee tomorrow—well, on Tuesday, when the shop opened again, since it was closed on Sundays and Mondays.

Right before he rounded the corner, he determined this would be a granny.

Which was probably why it took him a pathetically long time to figure out that his customer was, in fact, the brown-skinned, broad-shouldered man standing with one hand on his hip and frowning up at the topsoil bags.

Not a granny.

Here's the thing, they didn't even _have_ a category for men. Their male customers never asked for help even when they needed it for the topsoil, and so Jade and Dirk had never needed to add the possibility into the game.

The man turned to face Dirk and that's when things started to make sense. His other arm, the one not planted on his hip like Superman, was in a sling. Broken wing.

“Ah, super!” the man said brightly when he noticed Dirk, who tried and failed to look like he hadn't been standing there staring for a minute. “Jade sent you ‘round, did she? I hate to have to ask, it's such a simple thing, but.” He shrugged his good shoulder and gestured at his clearly broken arm helplessly.

“Not a problem, bro,” Dirk said, moving forward to grab a bag from the shelf. “How many do you need?”

“Six ought to do the trick,” the man replied cheerfully.

Dirk glanced at the guy a little incredulously. Dude was too damn happy.

“So, you know Jade?” Dirk asked, wanting a distraction as he loaded the first bag into the man’s cart.

“Oh, yes! She’s my cousin. This is my first time coming to her shop, though. She’s finally convinced me to start a garden.”

Jade’s cousin. That rang a bell. Dirk grabbed the second bag from the shelf. “You’re Jake, then?” he guessed.

Jake looked like he had swallowed the fucking sun he was beaming so brightly. “I am! Jake English,” he confirmed. “Jade told you about me?”

“Yeah, when I started working here a while back. She mentioned that she had a cousin who had just moved to town, too.” He didn’t tell Jake that she had offered to set them up on a date, and that Dirk had declined. He hadn’t been on the market back then, for a boyfriend or anything else. He hadn’t been much of anything back then, except really fucking broken.

“Oh, splendid. So you have me at a disadvantage,” Jake said, as Dirk loaded the third bag into the cart. “I’m sure Jade has told me about you, but I’m sorry to say I can’t remember your name!”

“Dirk Strider,” Dirk said, pausing to shake Jake’s hand before grabbing the next bag of dirt. “So you’re putting in a garden this year?” Dirk hated small talk but he hated awkward silence more, so he picked up that thread from earlier.

“Yep! Jade is quite the persuasive gal when she so desires to be,” Jake said, voice thick with amusement. Dirk snorted a little laugh of agreement as he took care of the fifth bag. “She’s giving me a family discount.”

“No offense, man,” Dirk started, “but how are you gonna take care of all of this one-handed?”

Jake laughed a little. “Ah, yes,” he sighed good-humoredly. “Very observant of you. Jade’s shop is closed tomorrow, as I’m sure you know, so she said she’d drop by my place and help me out.”

The sixth bag was loaded, so Dirk brushed his hands off and nodded. “Need some help with anything else?”

Jake did in fact need help. He fished a list out of his pocket (on actual paper? Who was this guy who didn’t use his phone for everything) and said a bit sheepishly, “Jade gave me a list of things to get and I’m afraid I can’t make heads nor tails of it! Perhaps you can help.”

Dirk took the list and scanned it quickly. Nothing surprising here. He handed it back. “Tell you what,” he said, moving to get behind the cart full of topsoil. “I’ll push the cart and direct us, and you read off the list.”

“Gee, you’re a real pal,” Jake said, and Dirk snorted laughter again before realizing that Jake was being sincere. Oh shit, he really talked like that? Dude was weird. “First thing is a toolkit.”

Dirk knew exactly which one Jade would have meant and leaned his weight on the cart, using it like a scooter to Jake’s delighted chuckle, and led his boss’s cousin around the corner to the racks of shovels, trowels, spades, and more. There was a kit for beginners that folded up inside a short, metal-and-cloth stool. It was a handy little kit full of all the basics and even including twine and pruners, and the stool was handy for keeping your feet from going numb while kneeling to work in the dirt.

They collected a few other items before taking the cart to the front and going to collect flowers. Jade had selected hardy breeds that were hard to mess up with, good choices for a beginner gardener who wanted a pretty but easy garden.

Once everything was gathered, Dirk found Jade to let her check Jake out, since he had mentioned she wanted to give him a discount and Dirk wasn’t authorized to do that.

Jake thanked Dirk again for his help, and when he walked out of the store, he left things a bit dimmer in his wake.

At closing, Jade invited Dirk to come over to help with Jake’s garden the next day, but Dirk declined. He’d promised his sister an all-day _Rocket League_ binge.

“Aw, come on! You can play that silly game any time!”

Dirk smiled as he hung up his apron in exchange for his light jacket. “Nope,” he said. “Roxy only let me move across the country because I promised I’d never miss a video game binge with her.”

Jade rolled her eyes. “Fine! See you after the weekend, then. Text me Tuesday morning if you want hot or iced coffee.”

Dirk waved goodbye and headed for his bike, grateful the weather was nice and he could ride to work again. Winters were long this far north, nothing like where he had grown up.

The sun wasn’t quite set when he got home. Roxy had texted him about their upcoming game binge, and Jane had sent along an article to read, but he couldn’t bring himself to open it. The URL, visible in the chat message, included “-support-groups-” and he knew she was trying to help, but _Christ._

He ate leftover pizza and went to bed early.

 

It was weeks before Jake came back to the shop. The day was cloudy and windy, a sure sign of impending rain, so Dirk was out front lashing down the canvas canopies that kept the more delicate flowers and plants from getting soaked. In a garden, where they would have cover from other plants or a roof and root systems in the spacious earth, they would survive; in tiny planters and fully exposed to the elements at the nursery, the rain could be bad news. The wind kept grabbing the last canopy out of his hands and it would whip back and make this obnoxious clanging noise as it banged against the metal poles to which Dirk had been attempting to tie it.

“For fuck’s sake,” he muttered, having to climb up on the table to snatch at the canvas as it flapped around in the wind. Just as he caught the cloth, the rain started. He felt the first drops splattering onto his back as he contemplated how to get off the table without having to let go of the canvas.

“Need a hand?”

Dirk startled at the offer, having been too focused on his task to notice Jake’s approach. He tottered at the edge of the table for a second before regaining his balance.

“Sorry!” Jake called, standing close now and reaching up to steady Dirk by the elbow. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine,” Dirk said, and winced as the rain started to pick up. Normally he wouldn’t dream of asking a customer to help him out in a rainstorm, but… he _was_ Jade’s cousin, and this rain was going to soak them both as well as ruining the flowers if they didn’t get the canopy taken care of. So he said, “Can you hold onto this while I get down?”

Jake took the straps and held them firmly while Dirk hopped back to the ground, then together they made short work of tying the canopy into place.

“Thanks,” Dirk said as they stood together under the newly established cover. The rain was a true downpour now, and neither Jake nor Dirk had avoided getting good and wet.

“Not a problem, chum!” Jake said jovially, watching the rain with a smile. Dirk caught himself looking for a rainbow before he realized the sun wasn't shining, Jake's smile was just that radiant. “It didn’t hold back, did it?”

Dirk grunted, watching Jake more than the downpour. Fully aware he was staring and making an ass of himself, he scrambled for something to say to divert attention away from his poor social grace. “How’s the arm?” he asked, remembering how he had first met the man.

Jake looked away from the rain to grin at Dirk, showing off his sling-free arm. It was still in a cast, but he was clearly far more able to use the limb than he had been three or four weeks ago.

Dirk noticed Jake shiver a little, and then noticed that he was cold, too, so he nodded toward the main entrance to the store. “Let’s get inside, it’s too cold out here to be wet. I have some spare work shirts in the back if you want a dry one.”

“That would be capital,” Jake agreed easily, and set off toward the entrance, navigating so that he was under the canopies as much as possible. Dirk followed, also not wanting to get more wet than he was, and soon enough they had made it to the cover of the store.

“You two look like kittens who fell in the sink,” Jade said as she caught sight of them from where she was trimming some enthusiastic rose bushes.

Dirk’s hand flew to his hair. The rain had dampened the gel enough to make it go floppy and limp, hanging down around his ears sadly. He sighed and gestured for Jake to follow him to the break room, where he rummaged in his locker for some spare t-shirts. He had gotten into the habit of keeping a few extra shirts here after the first time he had tripped carrying an armful of plants and landed straight in a mud puddle.

He turned in time to see Jake stripping off his shirt, his dark skin rippling over muscles as he struggled with getting the sleeve over his cast. Dirk was more surprised at the fact that he was noticing Jake’s muscles than Jake’s muscles themselves, though those were nothing to sneeze at. What’s this, dead-inside-Dirk was _feeling_ something? Was it desire? How long since—nah, that was a dumb question. He could tell you the exact hour on the exact day that he had last cared even a whit about cute boys.

It just hadn’t seemed important, after.

“You alright there, Strider? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Ahgh,” he said, clearing his throat awkwardly as he snapped out of it and tossed Jake a shirt. Smooth, Strider. “Sorry. Just… nothing.”

Jake caught the shirt and shook it open. “Alright. Well, thanks for the dry shirt. I’ll clean it and bring it by for you next week?”

“Sure,” Dirk said, turning his back before stripping off his own shirt and pulling on another dry one. His spare shirt stock was now officially empty, so he took a minute to set a reminder on his phone to bring some extras tomorrow.

A dark hand sneaked around his shoulder and snatched his phone out of his grasp. He yelped and turned to see Jake grinning and dancing back out of reach, eyes on the phone.

“Hey, what the hell, man,” he said. Jake just held up a finger, focused on the screen. Dirk frowned. It was not cool to snatch another man’s phone. He opened his mouth to protest again, but Jake cut his eyes to Dirk with raised eyebrows, and to Dirk’s surprise, he felt his mouth click shut. Jake smiled approvingly and returned his attention to the phone.

What the hell?

Another few seconds passed, during which Dirk felt his cheeks heating up and awkwardly grumbled a little as he fussed with his hair. Finally Jake handed back his phone.

He saw that his contact list was open, and right next to “Jane Crocker,” there was now a new entry: “Jake English.”

“Shoot me a text sometime, mate,” Jake said, throwing him a wink. A quick check showed that Jake hadn't sent himself a text or anything to get Dirk’s number without his consent. When he looked up, he was alone in the break room. Dirk glared at the treacherous light bulbs above him, sure that they had been waiting for Jake to leave before dimming in the storm.

 

“Just text him, Dirk,” Roxy’s voice said in his ear as they watched her Overwatch hero get awarded Play of the Game again. Roxy played Sombra like an extension of herself, and Dirk had long ago resigned himself to playing second fiddle to his sister in this game (and most others).

“And say what?” Dirk asked into his headset, letting his controller slip from his hands onto the couch as he waited for the stats page to come up.

“Something like, ‘hey hot stuff, u dtf?’” Roxy suggested.

Dirk snorted a laugh and said, “Don't start looking for another match yet, I need to grab a snack.” His headset was wireless so he kept it on as he hopped over the back of the couch and made his way to the open kitchen behind him. He had a studio apartment so it all bled together and nothing was too far from anything else.

“Okay but seriously, Dirk, this guy sounds sooo cute. And he clearly wants you to text him, or he wouldn’t’ve left you his number. So what are you waiting for?”

“I dunno, Roxy, I haven't wanted to date someone since. You know.”

She was quiet for a minute as he grabbed some chips and dumped them into a bowl before walking back to the couch and watching the game flash animations at him while waiting for him to opt in to a new match.

He munched a chip.

“It's been more than a year, Dirk,” Roxy said quietly.

“I'm aware,” Dirk answered.

“So have a little fun for once!”

“I… it feels like forgetting him,” Dirk said quietly. “Like if I have fun or whatever, that I'm not properly. I dunno. Grieving.”

“Dave wouldn't have wanted you to be miserable, Dirk.”

“That's not what I meant,” Dirk snapped.

“Then what did you mean?”

He shoved a handful of chips in his mouth and chewed loudly, know the crunching into his microphone would annoy her. She sighed.

“I mean, that it feels like I'm forgetting. Finding ways to make his memory fade.”

“Moving on and forgetting aren't the same thing,” Roxy said after a minute. “You literally moved across the country and you haven't forgotten me, right?”

“Wish I had,” he grumbled, and she blew a raspberry into her mic.

“Dirk Strider, you better text that boy tonight or I'll hack your phone and do it for you.”

“Please,” he said. “As if you could.”

“Challenge accepted. Now are you going to play tank or support this match?”

 

An hour after he and Roxy had disconnected and shut down their XBones (seriously between x-bone and the WiiU, Dirk was sure gaming consoles were now being named exclusively for ironic purposes, Sony just hadn't gotten the message), Dirk sat staring at his phone.

A text message had been typed more than 30 minutes ago, and he hadn't hit send yet.

A notification from Roxy popped up; the messaging app he used showed the whole message in the pop-up window.

_TXT HIM IM NOT KIDDIDING DIRRK_

He sighed and swiped the pop-up off the screen, returning to stare at what he had written to send to Jake.

He had started with a simple _Hey it's Dirk from Jade’s shop._ After he had written and deleted that several times he had jokingly typed in, _Did the sun come out or did you smile at me?_

That was, of course, deleted as soon as it was finished.

Another pop-up from Roxy, and then some more all in a row:

_I SWER TO GOS DIRK_  
_*SEAR_  
_*GOD_  
_*SWEAT_  
_*lol close enough_

He rolled his eyes as he dismissed the notifications and returned to his current draft, which was basically the same as what he had first written half an hour ago.

His finger clicked send.

The message disappeared from the input box and reappeared in the message history area.

Well. Shit.

Before Roxy could scrawl another half coherent text he tabbed over to her message screen and wrote, _Jesus fuck woman. I sent it. Are you happy now?_

After a few minutes of handling his sister's ecstatic and mostly garbled responses, a pop-up notification appeared over _her_ screen in a classic switcheroo.

_Dirk! So glad to hear from you, mate! I was beginning to think maybe I had misjudged and overstepped by giving you my number._

He blew out a breath and wrote, _Sorry. Just been busy._

_Jade has been running you ragged, then?_

Dirk smiled. _No,_ he sent back, _no more than usual. Family stuff._

It was kind of true. He’d been playing _Overwatch_ with his sister and having really weird and hard feelings about his dead brother, so that counted as “being busy” with “family stuff,” right?

_Ah, family matters can be quite difficult! Is everything alright?_

“No,” Dirk whispered.

 _Yeah,_ he wrote.

_Great! I washed your shirt._

_Wanna bring it by?_

Dirk sat waiting for the reply, heart hammering. He had written it and hit send before he’d really thought about the implications.

_Well, sure! If you don’t mind the late hour._

Dirk let out a breath he hadn’t intended to hold. Okay, this was okay. He could roll with this. Maybe they could go out for a late slice of pizza or something.

_I don’t have work in the morning, it’s fine for me. Do you?_

_Nope! I’m off tomorrow._

Dirk sent his address to Jake and set about quickly restoring some order to the studio. It wasn’t a terrible mess but there were a few dirty dishes that he stuffed into the dishwasher, and he made the bed for the first time since he had replaced the sheets last weekend. His dirty clothes bin was a little overflowing but at least all of the laundry had made it to the bin.

He checked his hair. He brushed his teeth.

Shit, what was he expecting?

Before his anxiety could ramp much higher, there was a soft knock.

Dirk jumped up from the couch where he had just settled and answered the door. Jake stood on the other side of it, holding the white work shirt and smiling broadly. Did the hall always have such a bright safety light?

“Hey,” Dirk greeted, stepping back to let Jake come inside. “Welcome to the casa de Strider.” As soon as he said it, he regretted it. It had been Dave’s phrase, and the weird guilty feeling hit him in the stomach like a punch.

Jake didn’t notice, his eyes roaming about the apartment. “Nice TV,” he said politely as Dirk shut the door.

“Thanks, a gift from my sister so I can’t use low resolution as an excuse anymore when she kicks my ass at video games.”

Jake laughed. “She sounds like a real firecracker.” He handed the shirt over to Dirk, who tossed it onto his bed as he grinned, knowing Roxy would have just _loved_ to have been here to hear that one. She thought he had been exaggerating about Jake’s idiosyncrasies.

“She’s the best,” he said. “We’re twins.”

“Twins! That’s exciting.”

Dirk laughed a little. “Not for my mother, she had two sets of twins back to back. Me and Roxy, and a year and a half later, Dave and Rose.”

Jake whistled as he sat down on the couch. “That must have been a fun childhood.”

Dirk just shrugged. “Want something to drink? I’ve got orange soda, coke, and beer.”

“Actually, chap, I was hoping you’d be up for a bite to eat,” Jake said, a nervous warble to his voice betraying the otherwise smooth invitation.

“Depends,” Dirk said, and Jake’s face fell a little. That wasn’t the answer he had been hoping for. “Is this gonna count as a first date, because it’s way too throw-together for a proper first date.”

Jake grinned again, brightening up the whole damn room. “Then, it’s definitely not a first date. It’ll be the prequel, and if you decide you like the premise, we’ll set something up for next weekend.”

 

Dirk showed up with coffee for himself and Jade the following Tuesday, having lost last Saturday’s topsoil game. Soon they’d have to develop a new competition, since the big rush on topsoil was starting to fade for the season as they tipped past the Spring Equinox and toward summer.

He got to the shop first, so he fished out his keys and let himself in, careful to set the coffee down before returning outside to chain up his bike. He had designed and built a special carrier for the coffee that rode on the handlebars of the bike so he could still ride to work even with his and Jade’s morning pick-me-ups in tow.

It had been a week since he and Jake had gone out to find a late night diner. Since then, they’d been exchanging friendly messages every day, though neither had yet broached the subject of an official first date. The night of their dinner, when they’d been walking together back to Dirk’s apartment, Jake had asked Dirk about his opinion of the prequel, to which Dirk had replied that he would write a full review.

And he had. He had been sending it sentence by sentence to Jake over the last few days, filling it with bullshit movie terms and critiques. Jake seemed to find this humorous, so Dirk just kept going, explaining in parenthetical asides that the review was a long-form one for a newspaper, not just some disgruntled Amazon customer amateur.

Dirk flipped the lights on and tucked the coffees up against his chest, using one arm and his chin to hold them in place, then turned to head to the break room and get ready for opening the shop up.

The lights clicked back off.

Dirk whirled and saw—

“Jade? What the fuck?”

She was wearing what was essentially camouflage, given their surroundings: a leafy Hawaiian print shirt, dark green shorts, and a green scarf tied around her forehead.

She grinned at him and raised a Nerf gun, aiming for his chest.

“Strider, get down!”

He whipped his head around to the left and saw Jake hurtling at him, and braced himself, but Jake threw himself at Jade rather than Dirk. Jade crashed back but threw Jake off and disappeared into the aisles of gardening supplies, cackling.

“What the fuck!” Dirk said again. Jake took the coffees from him and set them on the floor, out of the way, then handed Dirk one of the two Nerf pistols he was carrying.

“Wait!” Jake said, as if remembering something (he was clearly acting, but Dirk didn’t say anything). He took the gun back and holstered it. “I’ve got a better idea.”

He crouched low and gestured for Dirk to follow him, creeping forward and using the tables of potted plants as cover. A dart whistled overhead and Jake glared at Dirk until the other man rolled his eyes and crouched low as well. Together they crept forward until they reached an intersection in which they would have no cover. On the other side, Dirk saw a foam sword and plastic Viking helmet.

“Oh my god,” Dirk groaned. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“You make a dive for it, I’ll cover you,” Jake said, and did not wait for Dirk’s answer before peeking out into the aisle and firing his gun into the depths of the store. They heard some footsteps—Jade running for a better position, no doubt. “Now, Strider, go go go!”

For a second Dirk just stood there, debating. This was _so_ uncool. But he remembered being a kid and doing this with his siblings, and it had been really fucking fun. Torn, he glanced back at Jake, who gave him a little nod and a grin, and. Sure. What the hell.

Jake stood and started firing both guns toward Jade, and Dirk took the moment to leap across the aisle to the other side and arm himself with his foam sword. He deigned not to use the helmet.

So armed, he crouched back down and waited for Jake to restock his gun barrels from an ammo kit he wore at his waist. Dirk couldn’t help but chuckle a little at this. Of fucking course Jake English had an ammo kit for Nerf guns.

Jake gestured some complicated plan to Dirk silently, and Dirk nodded very seriously as though he had understood any of it, before throwing caution to the wind and taking off down the center aisle toward where they had last heard Jade moving about.

“Strider!” Jake yelped, then rushed after him. Shots were fired from their right. Jake threw himself back behind a miniature potted palm tree and Dirk rolled for the cover of the orchid table.

Jade appeared on the other side of the aisle with the tools, peering around cautiously and looking for signs of her cousin and coworker. Dirk and Jake exchanged looks—they knew what had to happen.

Dirk slipped silently down to the topsoil aisle, leaving Jake behind to draw Jade out. As quietly as he could, Dirk rounded the corner so that he was now behind Jade and was sneaking up on her as she tried to sneak up on Jake.

At the last second, Dirk rested his sword against Jade’s neck from behind, and she fell still, her hands coming up slowly.

“Well, well, well,” Jake said, stepping out from his cover to see his cousin, arms folded. “What have we here.”

“Dirk,” Jade said, “it’s a trick! It’s Jake you want to poking that thing into.”

Dirk busted out laughing. “Did Roxy put you up to that line?” he asked, not letting his sword fall away from her neck.

Jade giggled.

“What happens now?” Dirk asked. “We won.”

“Good job, Dirk!” Jade said, stepping out from under the sword. “Your prize is, you get the day off! Bye!”

“What?” he said, but Jade was already skipping away to find her coffee, leaving Dirk behind with Jake.

Jake grinned. “Good morning, Dirk,” he said, holstering his guns. “It’s too bad you didn’t get to see the very dramatic death sequence I had planned in case Jade actually managed to shoot me!”

Dirk’s smile slipped.

Jake noticed, and his own expression fell. “Oh, dear,” he said, “have I said something wrong?”

“No,” Dirk said, looking away. “This was fun, thanks.”

“Oh, don’t mention it,” Jake answered, smiling tentatively again. “I figured you’d need more fodder for your review since your material was getting a bit stale, so here’s the Action Sequence.”

Dirk rolled his eyes, his smile coming back. “And what an action sequence it was,” he said amiably. “Why did Jade say I have the day off?”

“Well, I put her up to it. In case, you know. You wanted to see the Romance Sequence, too.”

Dirk tilted his head, eyebrows raising. “Are you asking me out, Jake English?”

Jake laughed a little, rubbing at the back of his head. “An official first date,” he said, “if you want.”

“It’s seven in the morning,” Dirk pointed out. “Kinda early for a date.”

“Not the one I have planned! What do you say?”

 

Jake drove them an hour out of town to the river, where they met a friend of his who had hauled a canoe out for them behind his truck. Jake produced a dry pack from his trunk, and it was loaded with food, water, and a few other odds and ends. Dirk added his phone and keys to the bag, which would float and keep its contents dry if the canoe tipped. Jake had even brought some swim trunks and a spare t-shirt for Dirk to change into in case he didn’t want his clothes to get wet, and sunscreen, which Dirk applied liberally.

So prepared, they bid Jake’s canoe-lending friend adieu and pushed off from shore. 

Jake taught Dirk how to properly paddle and after a few minutes of spinning around in the slow river current and three accidental beachings, they were on their way. Jake explained from the back of the canoe (apparently the more experienced person sat in the back and steered? Jake had told Dirk that his role was to be a “glorified motor, but don’t worry chap, you’re much prettier than those hunks of metal!”) that the river would lead to a pond, and there was a spot there for them to pause and eat lunch.

For a while the paddled in companionable silence. Dirk had well developed muscles from both weightlifting and his job, where he frequented lifted and hauled heavy garden materials around. But paddling took a different set of muscles, and he was quite relieved when the river opened up into the pond and he took a minute to rest his arms and appreciate the view.

The sun was shining, the sky was blue and clear, and the scenery was gorgeous. He was so lucky to be alive that it hurt, it hurt right in the middle of the hole in his heart that was his grief for Dave.

Jake, of course, couldn’t see his face, but must have noticed his shoulders going tense, because he said, “You alright up there, mate?”

Dirk shook his head, trying to clear it, and the canoe started to move again as Jake began to paddle them toward an island. After a minute, Dirk started to help and the canoe picked up speed.

Once they were both on solid ground, Dirk sat down on the little, human-made beach designed exactly for the purpose of being a landing spot for recreational canoers. Jake settled next to him, arms around his knees, eyes on Dirk even as Dirk’s eyes were on the water.

“What’s wrong?” Jake asked.

“I grew up in Houston,” Dirk said instead of answering. “Have you ever been?”

“No.”

“Don’t bother. The only thing whiter and more endless than the racism is the concrete. I guess there are probably parks somewhere and maybe the suburbs have lawns but man, I’m telling you, it’s just roads and pavement and parking lots as far as the eye can see.”

He picked up a rock from the beach next to him and threw it into the water, where it plunked and sunk a few feet away from them.

“I was an engineer, you know,” he said.

“Oh yeah?”

Dirk nodded. “Mechanical at first but I was really interested in robotics the whole time, so I went back to get my MS in robotics engineering.”

“Wow,” Jake said. “That’s… way different from working in a garden center.”

Dirk chuckled quietly, looking down at his lap for a minute. “Yeah, that’s why I picked it. I mean, after some shit went down, I just had to get away, change things up, you know? I was living in Houston again. Worked for an engineering firm there for a few years working on robotics designs for them. And when… well. Like I said, some shit went down, and I suddenly felt just so fucking trapped.”

Jake nodded. “So you moved to upstate New York to enjoy nature?”

“Pretty much,” Dirk said.

“How’s that working out for you?”

Dirk laughed darkly. “Here I am, in nature,” he said, spreading his arms to gesture expansively at the lake before them.’’

Jake looked over at him, eyebrows raised. “And are you enjoying yourself?”

With a sigh, Dirk let his hands fall back to the sand, grabbing some in his hands and pouring it back out slowly. “I’m not _not_ enjoying myself,” he said. Jake made a face. “It’s complicated for me, okay?”

“Because of the shit that went down?”

“Yeah,” Dirk murmured, still watching the sand make little piles under his hands. “Is that okay?”

Jake huffed a laugh. “I don’t know, is it? I feel like I’m failing pretty spectacularly at showing you a good time on our first date.”

Dirk frowned, finally looking up. “No, dude, this is amazing. You know I’ve lived up here for ten months, with the intention to get in touch with nature or some shit, and this is the first time I’ve done more than bike to work? Like. You hit the nail on the head, it’s just. I just.... Let's get one thing on the table right now, Jake. I'm damaged goods. No two ways about it, so you should know that before planning on a second date.”

Jake grinned, standing up. He offered Dirk his hand and pulled the other man to his feet, then kept hold of one of his hands as he turned to look out at the pond again. “Well, even Star Wars has Jar-Jar Binks,” he said, “but I still like the franchise.”

Dirk groaned. “Did you just compare my emotional trauma to Jar-Jar Binks?”

“Tell you what, Strider. I can tell you’ve got some history you don’t want to hash out with me right now, and I don’t want to trip up and say or do things that upset you because I don’t know about your triggers. So if things start heading in directions that are uncomfortable, you just tell me ‘Jar-Jar’ and I’ll stop whatever it is I’m doing and we’ll figure out a new way to pass the time. Deal?”

“Our emotional safeword is ‘Jar-Jar,’” Dirk said flatly. “What’s our sex safeword gonna be, ‘Dooku’? ‘Spiderman 3’?” The words tumbled out faster than his brain could keep up, and he blushed furiously as he processed just how forward _that_ had been.

Jake just grinned. “Care for a picnic?”

 

When they got back to town, it was past dark. Dirk decided to leave his bike at the shop, so Jake dropped him off at his apartment instead. They both got out of the car and walked together to Dirk’s doorstep.

“So,” Jake said as they paused together in front of the building. “What does the Date Reviewer have to say about our official first date?”

“You’ll have to read the full article upon publication,” Dirk answered.

“No sneak preview for the fellow who worked so hard to put it all together?”

“Well,” Dirk said, “I can give you a teaser, but you’re not gonna like it.”

Jake frowned. “Why?”

Dirk cleared his throat and adopted a snooty tone. “The Romantic Sequence,” he began, sounding as though he were reading aloud, “was quite good, with English pulling off a compelling leading role despite Dirk’s poor performance.” Jake opened his mouth to interject but Dirk kept going. “However, even more disappointing than Dirk’s inability to get the fuck out of his own head and relax a little, was that the Romantic Sequence is still lacking in that quintessential genre moment, without which it can hardly be called a ‘Romantic Sequence’ at all.”

Jake raised his eyebrows. “Why, Strider, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re asking for a kiss goodnight.”

Dirk batted his eyelashes, putting a hand to his chest as a mockery of maidenlike, chaste surprise. “Mr. English!” he said in a feminine tone. “I say! Tut tut, pish posh and all that jazz. Accusing a virtuous maid like me of such licentious—”

He faltered as Jake stepped into his space, bringing a hand up to the back of Dirk’s neck. His grip was stronger than Dirk was used to from a first kiss but in a way that sent heat straight down from his stomach. It was _hot_ , the way Jake just got up in his business and took over like that.

“You were saying?” Jake asked, face close enough to Dirk’s that he could feel the other man’s breath on his lips as he spoke.

“I have no idea,” Dirk said, eyeing Jake’s lips hungrily.

Jake laughed softly before kissing him gently, lingering but soft, careful, a contrast to the firm hand on his neck. When they parted, Dirk smiled at him and said, “That was sweet.”

“I dunno, Dirk,” Jake said, his tone light and playful. “You made a point about being damaged goods, what’s a fellow to do?”

“Okay we are about as far away from a Jar-Jar moment as possible right now. Like in a galaxy far, far away. Kiss me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

“Good to know,” Jake breathed, and kissed him again. This time, there was nothing light or soft about it. Jake stepped forward again, backing Dirk up into the wall, slipped his tongue between the other’s lips and swallowed the little surprised sound he got as a result. He took what he wanted, and then just as abruptly, he ended the contact with a biting tug at Dirk’s lower lip as he stepped back.

“Better?” he asked, smiling wickedly.

“Five stars,” Dirk said, a little breathless. “I’d say I’d recommend you to a friend, but I think I’d rather keep you to myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're happy without knowing about Dave and don't wanna deal with the angsty sadstuck, feel free to stop here! 
> 
> Your comments and kudos are so very appreciated!


	2. Remembering Dave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of serious feels about death and mourning in this chapter. FYI.

Dirk was losing his shit.

 _Rox. You up?_ he texted to his twin from the couch. Jake was snoozing in his bed across the room.

To his relief, her answer was immediate.

> Roxy: Dirky babe. whats happenin
> 
> Dirk: I’m kind of losing my shit here. Like imagine my job was to just keep all of my shit under wraps.
> 
> Roxy: oh nooo
> 
> Dirk: Are you imagining that? My job, Roxy. What is it?
> 
> Roxy: to keep ur shit under raps?  
>  Roxy: *wraps  
>  Roxy: but u can totes rap about ur shit too if u want
> 
> Dirk: Okay, good. Now, if that’s my job and you were my boss, you’d have to fire me. I’m doing that bad of a job of keeping my shit together. I had one job, and I failed. Fire me, boss.
> 
> Roxy: aw but i like having ur dumb ass around my shoppe all day, i don wanna fire u  
>  Roxy: how about probaton  
>  Roxy: *probe baton lolol
> 
> Dirk: We are so far past probation. My shit has flown off the fucking handle here. It is not just over wraps, it is smeared up on the walls and splattered on the ceiling fan like a metaphor made real in the grossest way possible.
> 
> Roxy: ew  
>  Roxy: ok but really whats goin on
> 
> Dirk: I slept with Jake.
> 
> Roxy: whaaaaat omg finally its been a month congrats  
>  Roxy: wait y is this a bad thing  
>  Roxy: was it awful is that y ur shit is so not handled  
>  Roxy: nooo he was perfect yyyy
> 
> Dirk: No, it wasn’t awful.  
>  DIrk: It was great. Like really fucking great, pun intended.
> 
> Roxy: i would jus like to take a moment to celebrate our broship and the fact that u tell me about ur sex life  
>  Roxy: cuz i wuldnt trade that for nething  
>  Roxy: so, hes romantic and sexy and good with his dik  
>  Roxy: *cock  
>  Roxy: why u losin ur shit over tappin dat ass
> 
> Dirk: I just—  
>  Dirk: I can’t stop feeling shitty about Dave.
> 
> Roxy: ok u rly shouldnt be thinkin bout ur bro while bangin tall dark and handsom
> 
> Dirk: Christ. You know what I mean.
> 
> Roxy: i rly dont. i never think about any of my sibs when lickin my lady
> 
> Dirk: Holy fuck that is too much info.
> 
> Roxy: fuck u too much info wuld b tellin you about my gayy rainbow strap-on i got under the bed
> 
> Dirk: Well this has been fun. I have to go.
> 
> Roxy: NO dirkyy waittt  
>  Roxy: i was jus kidding u kno that  
>  Roxy: y is davey on ur mind tonite
> 
> Dirk: It’s okay, right? That I want to have something with Jake?
> 
> Roxy: coarse it is  
>  Roxy: *of course  
>  Roxy: weve talked abt this, big D. little D woulda been happy for u.  
>  Roxy: u dont think its bad that i have janey, do u?
> 
> Dirk: That’s different.
> 
> Roxy: y
> 
> Dirk: You and Jane were together before he died. And you didn’t kill him, it’s not your burden in the same way.
> 
> Roxy: DIRK  
>  Roxy: i thought we were on the same page  
>  Roxy: U DIDNT KILL HIM U DUMBO
> 
> Dirk: Might as well have.
> 
> Roxy: no. this is bullshit di-stri.  
>  Roxy: not my burden? fuck that!!! he was my lil bro too! dont u ever imply u r grieving him more than i am.
> 
> Dirk: Sorry. I know.
> 
> Roxy: when r u comin home  
>  Roxy: we miss u
> 
> Dirk: I don’t know.
> 
> Roxy: u better come for rosie’s bday. she needs u
> 
> Dirk: I… don’t know if I can, Roxy.
> 
> Roxy: i cant do this alone, so i dont care if u cant. ur coming.  
>  Roxy: and in the meantime  
>  Roxy: i know some great sex toy stores for u and ur adventurous new bo  
>  Roxy: *beau  
>  Roxy: *or boy  
>  Roxy: *or bro  
>  Roxy: *best typo, triple entendre dayumm

 

  
Dirk was noticeably distracted as Jake dropped him off for work, the weather now officially hot enough that riding his bike had lost some appeal. Jake asked about a hundred times if he was okay, and Dirk eventually used the Jar-Jar cheat to stop him from pestering him. This made Jake look absolutely miserable, though he tried to hide it, and by the time they arrived at Jade’s, Dirk’s stomach was twisting in guilty knots for more reasons than he cared to count.

“Listen,” Dirk said before opening the door to leave the car. “I… this isn’t about last night. Not really. I talked to Roxy some this morning and I need to plan a trip back to Texas. That’s what’s on my mind.”

“Oh,” Jake said, visibly relieved. “You could have said so! Here I was thinking you weren’t ever going to talk to me again, when I thought last night was quite nice!”

“Five stars,” Dirk said, earning himself a radiant grin. “No, really. It was… great. But my shit is complicated, man. Look, let me make you dinner tonight and I’ll try to explain a little.”

“You don’t have to!” Jake said quickly. “I wasn’t trying to guilt you into disclosing anything.”

“I know. I want to. But it’s hard for me to talk about, so… be patient with me?”

Jake leaned across from the driver’s seat and caught Dirk’s chin with his fingers, pulling him forward for a gentle kiss. “Promise,” he whispered.

Dirk excused himself and made it to the doors with his keys out just as Jade arrived with the coffees. She ribbed him mercilessly about Jake having driven him to work and what that might imply, to which Dirk coolly pulled a Roxy and gave her too many details.

“Eugh!” Jade said. “That’s my cousin you’re talking about!”

“You asked,” he said with a vicious grin. She stuck out her tongue and let the topic drop.

It was not Dirk’s finest day working at Jade’s Garden Emporium and Home Center. He absentmindedly watered the begonias four times on his morning watering rotation, and Jade had to holler at him to stop before he rotted their roots or washed away all of their nutritious soil. He slipped in the muddy puddle that he had inadvertently created by overwatering the plants, and had to spend the day with mud caked on his shorts. He messed up Mrs. Faraday’s order and had to endure a rambling lecture about how things had really started going downhill in this town. He overcharged a customer by $200 for a Japanese maple, and barely held his tongue as the man hollered at him and called him a dunce, until Jade intervened and sent Dirk to an early lunch.

He texted Jake on his break to feel better, but he was at work and couldn’t reply much more than to commiserate about his shitty day and say he was looking forward to dinner.

By the time closing came around, Jade took pity on her bedraggled employee and offered to send him home early, but he didn’t have his bike there and Jake wouldn’t be off work for another hour, so he helped with closing anyway. Afterwards, Jade dropped him at his apartment and told him she hoped he had a better evening.

He took a quick shower (a travesty, really, showers were meant to be enjoyed) and biked to the grocery store to pick up the ingredients he needed for dinner. A few minutes after he started cooking, Jake texted that he was on his way over and said he was bringing wine. That was nice, though Dirk didn’t have much of a taste for wine. Maybe he could learn. He sent back that he’d left the door unlocked and to let himself in so Dirk could stay focused on cooking.

Speaking of cooking. Here was something else Dirk didn’t have much of a taste for. He and his siblings had grown up on cereal, mac-and-cheese, and PBJ sandwiches. When he had gone to college and met Jane Crocker, she had taken up the task of teaching him some cooking basics, and he was now reasonably proficient making things like spaghetti, taco salad, breakfast burritos, and the like.

Today he was making his one specialty that he actually thought was impressive, sweet potato and black bean tacos. The apartment was hot with the oven on to roast the potatoes, and he’d shed his shirt for a wifebeater tank. He hadn’t really bothered to style his hair after his shower since he had nowhere to be, so he had tied it up off his neck in a tiny, mess ponytail that only really got the stuff in the back.

He heard the door open and glanced up. Jake waved, shouldering past the door with his hands full of wine and car keys.

Dirk waved back before turning his attention back to the onions frying in the pot that the beans would soon be cooking in.

Jake sidled up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing a kiss into his neck. “Smells great. So you can cook, too, eh? What a catch.”

“It seems my clever ploy to trick you into thinking I can cook is working,” Dirk said, turning his face to get a kiss. It worked. Too well. Jake’s hands slipped over his stomach and into the elastic waistband of his shorts.

“Mm,” Jake hummed. “I hear my sugarplum had a bad day,” he whispered before nibbling a bit at his earlobe.

“Sugarplum?”

“Would you prefer… clementine?” he asked, fingers trailing across sensitive stomach skin.

Dirk snorted and squirmed a bit. “Don’t wanna burn the food,” he said, and Jake hummed again before withdrawing his hands and stepping back.

Once everything was done and they had seated themselves at the little folding table that occasionally served as Dirk’s dining surface (though not as often as the couch or his desk did), the wine was poured and Dirk waited for Jake’s compliments on the food to end before he braced himself for the question he knew was coming.

“So, do you want to talk about it?” Jake asked, right on cue.

Dirk took a bite of taco to avoid having to answer right away. Jake waited him out, munching on his own food while Dirk collected the thoughts that had been distracting him all day.

“So,” he said, eyes firmly on his wine glass. “Next month is Rose’s birthday.”

Jake smiled. “Your sister?” Dirk nodded, and Jake’s expression changed a bit. “Didn’t you say she is also a twin? So wouldn’t it be both of their birthdays?”

Dirk swallowed around a dry tongue uncomfortably. “Yeah, that’s right.”

“So that’s why you’re going home? For their birthday?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that doesn’t seem like bad news,” Jake said, but his tone was guarded. He wasn’t stupid; Dirk wouldn’t have been this wound up if it had been as simple as going home for his little siblings’ birthday. “What am I missing?”

“A little more than a year ago,” Dirk started, poking at his half-eaten taco, “my little brother, Dave—that’s Rose’s twin—um. He died.”

Dirk didn’t look up; he didn’t want to see the expression on Jake’s face.

“Oh, Dirk. Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry.” Dirk rolled his shoulders uncomfortably. He hated this part, when people found out about Dave, because it was always the same. The pity, the uncertainty of how to react. “I see why going home for Rose’s birthday would be hard,” Jake mused sadly. “How are you holding up?”

Dirk shook his head. “I moved here to try to start over, you know? Everything back home just seemed so overwhelming. My job. My sisters. My mom. My friends. I just… wanted to get away from all the grief.”

Jake didn’t say anything, just watched him with those bright green eyes a little dimmer than usual.

“But you can’t get away from your own bullshit, you know?” he said, trying for a joking tone and only succeeding in sounding thoroughly miserable. “It’s different here, and in some ways it’s better. I like working with the garden stuff, it’s so… alive. Not like the robots and computers I used to build. But in other ways it’s worse, because I just left Roxy by herself to try to hold everything together, and I’m failing her and Rose the same way I failed Dave.”

“I’m sure they don’t see it that way, mate,” Jake said quietly. “They know you have to grieve in your own way.”

Dirk shook his head. “I guess,” he said, contradicting his gesture and making Jake frown. His words had clearly been meant as an appeasement. “I just wish I could be stronger for them. For Roxy and Rose.”

“You can’t grieve for anyone but yourself, Dirk,” Jake said.

He huffed a frustrated breath. “When does it get easier?”

Jake leaned an elbow on the table and propped his chin in his palm. “Maybe it never does,” he said, and Dirk looked up sharply from where he had been watching his hands shred his paper napkin. “My grandma died when I was just a tyke and some days I can’t breathe, I miss her so.” He paused, tilting his head so he could speak easier. “But most days it’s not so bad anymore.”

“How did she die?”

Jake smiled fondly. “Hunting accident. Tough old broad, she used to take down the biggest game with no trouble on the tropical island where she raised me. Only for food and necessities, of course, she never killed for sport. One day she went after more than she could handle with her frail bones, and that was that. I lived with some family in England after that.”

“Not with your parents?” Dirk asked.

Jake shrugged. “Never knew my mom, she died right after I was born. She and Jade’s father were brother and sister. My father… well, who knows?”

Dirk snorted. He knew all about deadbeat dads. When he had met Jane in college, he had hardly even believed her when she said her father had raised her and her brother John all by himself, and how close the two were, until he had met the man. Getting to know Mr. Crocker had been a turning point in how Dirk understood his own childhood, and just how much he and his siblings had missed out on with their parents.

“And Dave? What happened to him?” Jake asked quietly. “If you want to talk about it still, I mean.”

“Another time, maybe?” Dirk said. “I’m so fucking exhausted.”

“Of course, cupcake. How about a movie?”

Dirk regretted agreeing to the movie when Jake put on Disney’s _Frozen_ , but he didn’t complain because he was mostly in it for the couch cuddles anyway. Halfway through the film he had fallen asleep in Jake’s lap, even as the other man sang along with each increasingly absurd song.

 

Dirk easily had enough vacation days saved up for the trip, and Jade was happy to give him the time off. Now it was two weeks until Rose’s birthday and he still hadn’t bought the ticket.

He was pacing Jake’s living room floor restlessly as his boyfriend (they’d officially defined things the week before, but it hadn’t been a surprise to anyone) rattled off flight dates and times.

“What if you leave from Rochester at 9:40 AM and arrive to Houston at 1:30 PM? $380.”

This was at least the fourth possibility Jake had patiently announced, and it was about to be at least the fourth Dirk found a problem with.

Dirk groaned. “But then we’d have to leave for Rochester at like… three in the morning. Aren’t there any afternoon flights?”

Jake shrugged. “We could go the night before and get a hotel near the airport, and then I'll just drop you in time for security.”

Pacing paused, Dirk turned to raise an eyebrow at Jake. “I don’t want to make this expensive and drawn out for you.”

“It’s no problem,” Jake reassured him. “I don’t mind, and I have plenty of PTO saved up.”

“Want to come with? To Texas?” Dirk blurted out impulsively.

They stared at each other for a minute, eyes wide.

“Do you… want me to?”

Dirk licked his lips, feeling almost dizzy with nerves and confusion. “Yes?” he said tentatively.

“And, uh. Meet your whole family?”

Dirk was quiet for a minute. “Yes?” he said again, just as uncertain.

Jake huffed a laugh and stood up, crossing the room to wrap Dirk up in his arms, pressing a kiss into his cheek. “Love,” he murmured, “why don’t you think about it some more and ask me again when you’re sure the answer is yes.”

“Why are you so good to me?” Dirk asked, voice muffled due to his face being pressed into Jake’s shoulder.

“Because you give great head?” Jake said, and Dirk snickered even as he pinched his boyfriend's side to make him jump.

 

The next day Dirk was sure the answer was yes and they booked two tickets to Houston for a week and a half out.

 

Roxy and Jane picked them up from the airport. When he had introduced his best college friend to his twin sister, he hadn’t quite expected them to get on so well, but to be honest, he was glad they did. The two had been together for almost seven years now, having started going out during their sophomore year at the University of Houston.

Jake had just enough time to call out a warning before Roxy blindsided Dirk with a flying hug. Dirk staggered back into Jake, who braced and steadied him until he had his feet back under him. Dirk barely noticed; he was just so fucking glad to have Roxy in his arms that he wasn’t paying attention to much else for the time being.

Then Roxy shoved off of him and turned to Jake. “Oh,” she said. “My,” she said, a little louder. “GOD!” she squealed, right before launching herself at Jake. “You are even hotter than he said! Holy shit!” She hugged him tight enough that Jake wheezed, looking over Roxy’s head to give Dirk an incredulous look.

Jane had her arm around Dirk’s waist, and his rested across her shoulders. They grinned back as Jake tried to disentangle himself from Roxy’s grip.

“No,” she whined, “I’m never lettin’ go, you can’t make me. No offense Janey but it’s been waaaay too long since I’ve squeezed such a hard body.”

"Hey," Dirk said, indignantly gesturing toward his own body with his free hand.

"Brothers don't count," Roxy replied serenely. "Don't be gross, Dirk."

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Roxy,” Jane sighed, still smiling widely.

“Rox, please stop feeling up my boyfriend,” Dirk said.

“Fine,” she said, stepping back from Jake at last.

“Jane,” Dirk said, rotating both of them so that their hips continued to touch but Jane was closer to Jake now. “This is Jake English, my boyfriend. Jake, this is Jane Crocker, my best friend. And this hot mess is Roxy, as I am sure you’ve gathered.”

"Emphasis on hot," Roxy said.

Jane and Jake shook hands and exchanged pleasantries, while Dirk made snide comments to Roxy about observing to learn how normal people greeted new acquaintances.

 

That night Jane took Jake out to see the neighborhood, and Dirk settled onto the couch next to his twin. She snuggled up into his side and for a long moment they sat together silently.

“I’m glad you’re here, Di-Stri,” she said quietly.

“How’re you doing?” he asked.

“I dunno. Okay. It’s hard this time of year.”

Dirk understood. A few months ago marked the anniversary of Dave’s death, and a week from now they’d mark the anniversary of his birth. It was a lot to handle in the span of a couple months.

“Do you think it’ll get easier next year?” Roxy asked, shifting a bit so that her head was pressed up into his chest. She tapped the rhythm of his heartbeat against his elbow.

“No,” Dirk answered quietly. Roxy nodded her agreement. “How’s Rose?”

Roxy shrugged. “About how you’d expect.”

"Is she gonna be okay, having me here?"

"Of course she is," Roxy scoffed, sounding far less certain than her words.

Dirk pulled his feet up and rested them on the ottoman in front of him, and after a minute Roxy piled hers up on top of his. “Feeling clingy?” he asked.

“Haven’t seen you in a year,” she muttered into his shirt. “So excuse me if I’m trying to catch up on a year’s worth of hugs. I miss when we were in the womb together,” she sighed dramatically.

He snorted. “You don’t remember that.”

She nestled in, tucking her foot under his knee. “I wish I did.”

“Me, too.”

 

He got a significantly cooler welcome from his younger sister the next day. He understood. If it had been Roxy who had died, Dirk didn’t know if he could have survived. It was hard enough when it was his brother; his twin? Nope, Dirk wasn’t strong enough for that.

Thank god Rose was stronger than him.

They had almost lost her, in the immediate aftermath of Dave’s death. When the younger twins' birthday had rolled around, Dirk and Roxy had spent it in the hospital because Rose was literally starving herself to death. It wasn’t anorexia, the doctors said, it was just. Grief.

Rose had moved in with Roxy and Jane for a while after that, and Dirk had moved to New York.

Their mother was still god-knows-where. Las Vegas probably, gambling and drinking her ~~grief~~ life away.

Now Rose was living on her own again, and had gained back some of the weight she had lost in the first months after Dave’s death. She alone of the surviving siblings was seeing a grief counselor (a fact Jane was very unhappy about, since she thought Dirk and Roxy clearly needed the same), but she was also clearly still harboring a lot of anger at Dirk.

“I’m so glad you came,” she said in a hollow voice as she gave Dirk a loose, light hug that made his stomach drop. “And this must be your new boyfriend?”

“Jake, this is Rose. Rose, Jake,” Dirk said to introduce them. Rose shook Jake’s hand primly.

“So good of you to intrude on our family time,” Rose said.

“Rose!” Roxy scolded.

“I mean it,” Rose said, smiling blandly. “It’s a relief to have a new face in the mix. You’re one more diversion from having to look at my big brother.”

Dirk winced, shooting Roxy a _what the hell_ look as Rose turned her back on them and waved them inside her home. Jake and Jane shuffled in behind them, feeling obviously uncomfortable.

Roxy stomped after Rose and everyone else just awkwardly stood in the entryway, trying to pretend they didn’t hear Roxy’s raised voice and Rose’s cool responses coming from further in the house. Dirk was quite glad their voices were muffled enough that they couldn’t make out individual words, but his relief was temporary.

“— _you’re_ the one who wanted him here, not me!” Rose’s voice became suddenly clear, raised well into ‘yelling’ territory.

“Because we should all be together for your birthday!” Roxy yelled back. “You shouldn’t have to be alone!”

Jane took Dirk’s hand in her own, squeezing it. He took a ragged breath and tried not to let any tears spill over as Jake looked helplessly up at him with sad eyes.

“I’d rather be alone than have him here, you _know_ that Roxy!”

“If you’d get your head out of your ass for one minute and stop blaming him—”

“You know it’s his fault—”

“Rose Lalonde Strider, don’t you dare—”

Dirk turned on his heel and practically ran for the door.

Jane let him go. Jake caught the door as Dirk pulled it shut and slipped out behind him.

“What in the bloody hell was all that about?” Jake demanded.

Dirk stopped a few feet away, hands coming up to his face helplessly, fingers tangling into his hair and pulling as he tried to get control of his breath.

“Roxy said she was doing better, I don’t know,” Dirk said, distress straining his voice.

“Dirk,” Jake said gently, trying to coax him into releasing his hair before he actually pulled it out of his head. Slowly, Dirk let his fingers relax under Jake’s hands, and Jake guided his arms down to his side. Then he rubbed Dirk’s upper arms comfortingly, ducking his head a bit to make eye contact. “Dirk, what’s going on?”

Dirk covered his eyes with one hand before rubbing at his face and letting it fall back to his side, his gaze darting around to anywhere but Jake’s eyes.

“Dirk, please,” Jake murmured.

“You’ll hate me,” Dirk whispered, distraught.

“How could you think that?”

“Because _I_ hate me! And Rose hates me.”

“Hey! Don’t say that!”

Dirk twisted out of Jake’s grasp, stepping away again.

Jane came out of the house then. “Come on,” she said, fishing car keys out. “Let’s go somewhere else and let Roxy and Rose settle down.”

Jake frowned at Dirk to let him know they hadn’t settled anything, and followed Jane to the car. She took them to an ice cream shop nearby and ordered all three of them waffle cones, orange sherbet for Dirk, Rocky Road for Jake, and birthday cake for herself.

They sat outside under one of the patio umbrellas, eating their ice cream in silence for a while. Dirk didn’t really have an appetite but it was an excuse not to talk so he forced himself to go through the motions of slowly licking his sherbet down to the cone.

“Can someone tell me what’s going on, now?” Jake asked, poking at his ice cream with a spoon, even though it was in a cone.

Jane looked to Dirk, who shrugged. “You tell it,” he said with a sigh, turning back to what was basically cardboard-flavored ice.

She looked uncomfortable as she glanced back to Jake. “You know Roxy and Dirk went to UH, right?”

“The University of Houston? Yes.”

Jane nodded. “Well, they both got full rides on academic scholarships,” she continued. “Roxy for computer science and Dirk for engineering. Rose and Dave were a year behind them in school, since they were born right before the cut off for new enrollment, making them some of the younger kids in their grade levels. When it came time for college, neither wanted to go right away.”

“Why not?”

Jane shrugged. “Rose was working on a novel already at that point, and Dave wanted to make music. Neither saw the point in getting a degree. That changed a year later when Rose was published at just nineteen years old, and she was offered a scholarship to a private school that specialized in the liberal arts. Dave… wasn’t as lucky. His music was well-liked but... niche.”

Dirk nodded. “And he lost some of his passion for it as he got more into the industry and realized how awful it was, trying to produce your own music. He couldn’t find producers who would let him have the kind of control he wanted.”

“But,” Jane said, smiling fondly, “his comics were really taking off and gaining a lot of attention.”

“He decided to go to school for art instead,” Dirk said, unable to stop himself from jumping in now that Jane was telling the story. “Wanted a degree in classical art and art history. Said the best way to mock the classical styles was to know them inside and out.”

“Roxy has this amazing still life he painted when he was taking the intro realism class at the community college,” Jane said, grinning. “You remember, Dirk?”

“How could I forget?” Dirk said with a little laugh. “They had to do a fruit bowl, real classic shit, so Dave arranged bananas and kiwis to look like dicks with hairy balls.”

“And right in the middle of the bananas is this bright blue, spiky, nasty dildo,” Jane giggled. “It’s incredible. Painted to look like you could pick it up off the canvas. A masterful mockery of the still life tradition.”

Jake laughed. “He sounds like a really funny bloke.”

Dirk’s smile slipped a little. “He was,” he said, turning back to his sherbet.

Jane cleared her throat and continued. “Well, community college wasn’t cutting it, and Dave was working shitty jobs and couldn’t afford tuition for anything else.”

“So he dropped out?”

“Kind of,” Jane said.

“He enlisted in the army,” Dirk said gruffly. “Wanted the GI Bill to pay for his schooling.”

A long stretch of silence.

“He signed a two year contract,” Jane said. “Shipped out to Iraq not long after.”

“Never came home,” Dirk said.

“I… how can Rose possibly blame you for that?” Jake said indignantly. “You didn’t force him to join the military!”

“Dave was killed by friendly fire,” Jane murmured, looking at her feet. “He was inside a house trying to get some kids out to safety when there was a drone strike.”

“US drones?” Jake asked, and Dirk and Jane both nodded.

“They didn’t know he was in the building,” Jane said. “Two other US soldiers were killed, too, along with the kids Dave had been trying to extract.”

“Okay, I’m still lost as to how that’s Dirk’s fault.”

“Robotics engineer, Jake,” Dirk reminded him flatly. “What do you think I was designing?”

Jake opened his mouth, then snapped it shut in stunned silence.

“Christ,” Jake breathed.

“They were supposed to make our soldiers safer,” Dirk said helplessly. “Roxy _begged_ me to quit when she found out what I was designing, told me not to sell my soul for money. I thought I was helping save lives.” He scoffed. “Didn’t take long for my designs to hit production, and within weeks I was reading news story after news story about strikes hitting hospitals, schools…. _That’s_ when I finally listened to Roxy and quit, took a job working on domestic robots like roombas and shit, but it was too late. And then… Dave.”

His sherbet dripped from the bottom of his cone into the grayish brown dirt, forgotten.

“It still wasn’t your fault, Dirk,” Jane said firmly. “You designed a robot. The US government deployed it.”

“Someone else would have designed another drone that would have been used in its place if you hadn’t, mate,” Jake said sadly.

“I know,” Dirk said, tossing his half eaten cone into the trash can a few feet away. “There were already competitors on the market. My design was just the most efficient so the government picked it. Others would have sufficed and been built just the same. I know.”

“Rose knows, too,” Jane said gently, gripping Dirk’s hand briefly. “She’s just having a hard time right now because it’s their birthday tomorrow.”

Dirk nodded, dropping his head into his hands, his elbows resting on his knees.

He missed the look Jane and Jake shared, but a minute later Jane excused herself to make a phone call and Jake scooted his chair closer to Dirk’s.

“Thanks for telling me,” he said quietly, putting his hand on Dirk’s knee behind where his elbow was still resting. “You know I don’t hate you, right?”

“Why not? You’re dating the modern day Oppenheimer.”

“Oh, that’s a load of baloney,” Jake said dismissively. “You were doing what you thought was right, nobody can blame you for that.”

“Really? Because it probably should have been pretty fucking obvious that the government can’t be trusted to use this kind of technology wisely by now,” Dirk shot back, sitting up and shifting his legs restlessly. “We only have several hundred years of history of colonialism, racism, and military intimidation and fuck-ups as evidence.”

“Do you hate Dave for enlisting?”

“What? No.”

Jake raised an eyebrow. “And yet he, too, ought to have known that very same history you just named. Why does he get a pass for joining the military, but you don’t get a pass for what you did?”

“Dave was just a kid who wanted to go to college. I profited from my own brother’s death.”

“You were just a young man doing his best, pursuing his career, trying to save soldiers’ lives,” Jake said firmly. “Roxy may have been right to tell you to quit back then, but she’s also right now. Dave’s death was not your fault.”

Jake tugged Dirk to his feet. “Come on, let’s walk around a little.” They were on a street with a strip of shops, and Jake waved to Jane to indicate they weren’t going far.

Dirk let Jake hold his hand and they wandered down the stripmall, looking into a boutique’s window at some hats and jewelry on display before moving on past a coffee shop.

“Every time I catch myself having fun,” Dirk said abruptly, still walking, “I feel guilty because Dave can never enjoy anything again, ever.” Jake stopped, his hand in Dirk’s an anchor forcing the other man to halt his walking, too, and turn to face him. “Why should I get to have fun when Dave is dead? It’s like… it’s like, it feels like life is normal, and then I get scared because life isn’t normal, it can never be normal again, because my kid brother is dead. What right do I have to pretend anything is okay?”

Jake opened his mouth to say something, then shut it and wrapped his arms around Dirk instead.

Jane approached a moment later. “Sorry to interrupt, boys, but Roxy just called. She says we have to meet her right away.”

 

Rose and Roxy were already standing at the gravestone when Jane, Jake, and Dirk arrived to the cemetery.

Dirk hadn’t wanted to go when he realized where Jane was taking them, but Jane had just apologized profusely and explained that Roxy had made her promise to bring him no matter what.

Now Jane and Jake hung back a bit, letting the siblings stand shoulder to shoulder, Roxy in the middle, as they stared down at the headstone.

Rose sniffled and leaned her head on Roxy’s shoulder. Well, at least they seemed to be done fighting. Roxy slipped her hand into Dirk’s. Someone, probably Rose, had been keeping fresh flowers in the little vase at the base of the stone.

Staring down at Dave’s tombstone for the first time since the funeral, listening to his sisters sniffle and breathe raggedly, Dirk finally let his own tears flow. He scrubbed at his face with the back of his hand.

“Fuck,” he breathed. “I’m so sorry.”

Roxy squeezed his hand tighter, and wrapped her arm more tightly around Rose’s shoulder on her other side. “This is why I wanted us all here, Rosie,” she said quietly. “For Dave.”

The magnitude of it all, of knowing that right underneath their feet was the missing part of their whole, crashed down on Dirk. It felt so wrong, to be with his sisters but not have his doofus brother, who had imitated him and looked up to him like an idiot when they were little, who had carved his own path and followed his dreams as an adult.

“He just wanted to make art,” Rose said helplessly. “Shitty, terrible art.”

Roxy and Dirk both gasped little laughs.

“Let’s draw him some shitty, terrible pictures for his birthday,” Dirk said, and his sisters nodded their agreement.

 

By the time Jake and Dirk had to go back to New York, Rose had warmed up to both her brother and his boyfriend considerably. She and Dirk had a Roxy-enforced heart-to-heart not long after that first trip to Dave’s grave. When Rose accompanied them to the airport, she cried to see Dirk go.

Dirk kissed the top of his little sister’s head, then turned to Roxy and pulled her into his arms.

“As always, you’re the glue holding this family together,” he whispered, kissing her cheek. “Thank you.”

“What would you do without me?” she asked with a grin, then they both glanced guiltily to Rose, who hadn’t heard. Roxy sighed. “I have got to stop saying that, it’s so bad.”

“How does she do it?” Dirk said, resting his cheek on the top of Roxy’s head and gazing sadly at their baby sister. “I couldn’t, if it had been you.”

“Don’t say that,” Roxy whispered, squeezing her arms around him tight enough to make him cough. Even quieter she said, “But I know what you mean.”

 

It was early April again, the second anniversary of Dave’s death. Dirk and Jake took the day off and bundled up in the early spring chill and headed out to a nearby hiking area. Jake had gotten Dirk a bunch of hiking equipment for his birthday and Christmas presents, and they had promised each other they would make good use of it once the snow melted.

Today marked their first outing of the season, and despite being a bit cold, the day was clear and beautiful. Their small daypacks were filled with snacks and water, their phones silenced and tucked away. 

A month ago, Jake had caught Dirk tinkering with some metal parts and wires he had started accumulating slowly since visiting Houston.

Yesterday, Dirk told Jake he was thinking about applying for an engineering job.

Jade would be devastated when he broke the news to her, but Jake was elated.

Roxy, Jane, and Rose were coming for a visit next week for a housewarming party for Jake and Dirk, who had decided to live together when Dirk’s lease was up in March. Jake owned his house and there was plenty of room, so they’d agreed that for now they would live there.

Next week, Jane and Roxy would announce their engagement at the housewarming party to a great deal of squealing, mostly by Jake and Jade. Rose would meet Kanaya, the new assistant Jade had hired to help staff her growing business, and the two would hit it off with a great deal of gooey eyes and breathless flirting. In a month, Dirk would be anxiously pacing while Jake made a pro/con list for an engineering job in Denver, and not long after they would throw caution to the wind and put their house on the market, headed for the Mile High City. There would be another housewarming party, because why not?

But today, they were quiet, sitting beside a cold and placid lake in the early spring chill, remembering Dave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit that was intense to write.
> 
> It was a strange coincidence that posting this came right after Memorial Day in the US. So, to readers who have lost loved ones in the line of service... I hope you're doing okay.
> 
> This idea started super fluffy, it was just gonna be fluff fluff fluff for one chapter, and then the Strider manpain feels hit me hard and I ran with it. Hope you enjoyed both the fluffy bits and the sadder bits. And didn't mind the kinda indulgent "i just want to write feels without much else" approach.
> 
> Comments are welcome! I really enjoy knowing what you think of my stories!


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